Frustrations!!

I am disappointed to report that progress with my novel has ground to a halt.

I began serious work on it at the end of July and made some awesome progress for the first couple of weeks. I had some good ideas on where I wanted the story to go and managed to sketch out a decent plan for my first few chapters, and piece by piece my new world was taking shape.

Then I hit a wall. When I reviewed my progress so far I realized that some of my brilliant new ideas contradicted my original story. Some of the ideas that I had made up to support the story now seemed forced and contrived. The more I looked at it the unhappier I was with the path my adventure was taking, and the harder it was to try and get it back on track.

The next two weeks were filled with discouragement and frustration, until I got to the point where I wanted to give up. The problem there, though, is that I am still really passionate about my original idea and I think there is a fantastic story there that is begging to be told! 

And so today I decided to take drastic action and go back to the drawing board. I will spend some quality time going through my notes and decide which of the best ideas and characters I want to keep (as some of them are bloody brilliant!) and then I will take a couple of weeks to mull over new ways to tell my story. Perhaps I will tell the story from the assassin's point of view rather than the princess? Perhaps my main girl won't even be a princess any more? Perhaps the adventure will take place in Glasgow instead of whatever made up world I could cobble together? Who knows?!?!?! 

As annoying as it is to be back at square one again, it is also quite liberating to have a clean sheet and a second chance to write the story that I know I can write. I think I have a better idea of how to go about the planning process this time round so hopefully I wont find myself backed in to another corner, and if I do I should have the courage to be brutal and cut out the crap that isn't working before I get too bogged down.

I am also realizing that my goal of finishing my book by the end of the year, which seemed reasonable when I set it in April, is now a bit unrealistic! I know now that I would much rather take an extra year to create something that I am proud of than churn out any old nonsense just so I can say that I finished it.

So that's where I am with my novel. While I am regrouping my thoughts I do not plan to be idle. I have a couple of ideas for short stories that I would like to work on and maybe send them into a magazine or a competition and see how they do. Even if I just write them for my own personal pleasure, I think it will be a valuable exercise in seeing a story through from start to finish which will benefit me both from a story crafting point of view and by boosting my motivation and giving me a sense of accomplishment.

Meanwhile, I have just started an online course to teach English as a foreign language. I have done a little research and with the volume of people moving to Silicon Valley from all over the world there seems to be a demand for English language tutors. I don't suppose that this is something I could make a full time living from, but I think it is something that I would enjoy, and anything that might help me avoid a full time office job is definitely worth exploring!!

Well, that's all I have to say for today. I had hoped to be able to give you a more positive progress report at this stage, but I am happy that I still have a plan and I am still moving forward, albeit a little slower than I would have liked. Fingers crossed I have a more encouraging update for you next time!!

Confession time ....

This is an odd post to write, and not one that I thought I would be writing for a long long time, but it's time to come clean and tell you about my new man. Yes, you read that right - I have a new man, and no-one is more surprised than me!

If you had told me a couple of months ago that I was about to meet someone I would either have laughed or been really offended that you thought I could move on so soon after losing my dear Peter. Yet here I am, and while I wouldn't exactly say I had moved on I am definitely taking the first steps.

It is a very strange situation to be in, being that Peter is still such an active presence in my life. I still think about him every day - both the happy and the sad memories - and so many of the stories that you exchange while getting to know a new person revolve around Peter. 

It has been hard at times reconciling the love I have, and will always have, for Peter with the start of something new, and at first I felt like a bit of a treacherous whore. But if I have learned anything this year it is that life is short and no-one knows what is waiting round the corner so if you stumble across a little happiness you should grasp it with both hands!

I was incredibly nervous about telling people and introducing him to my friends over here, all of whom loved Peter every bit as much as I do and were fiercely loyal to him. I am very pleased to report that every one of them has welcomed New Man, or Doug, as he is more commonly known, into the fold and seem genuinely pleased that I have found someone who is making me happy again.

The toughest people to tell were Peter's family, who I finally told today, and while it must have been a big shock to them they were hugely supportive and also seemed to be happy for me. I cannot thank them enough for the amazing way they received my news.

And so I start the second half of the shittiest year ever with an optimism that I could not have imagined. Not to sound melodramatic, but there were times this year where I felt like I would never truly be happy again. Now I find myself, while still grieving and dealing with the loss of my beloved husband and father, laughing and smiling again. God, it feels good to laugh again!

It takes a special kind of man (or maybe just a crazy one!) to take on a girl with this much baggage, but Doug has been fantastic about giving me the space I need to work through my shit and does not seem intimidated by the fact that Peter is still such a large part of my everyday life. Thank you Doug for ... well ... just generally being awesome!

OK, confession over now. Go back to enjoying your weekend, and I will be in touch again soon x

Digitum Extractum Rectum .....

..... which roughly translates as "time to get your finger out of your arse". Well, so my dad used to tell me, anyway!

Despite the positive nature of my last post 10 weeks ago, I had a little bit of a relapse into my hibernation and have barely done any work on my novel, or indeed anything of a productive nature at all. Aside from making it out a couple of times to catch up with friends, I found myself feeling rather disconnected and spent most of my time back under my blanket with Savannah watching endless re-runs of Law & Order and generally feeling rather miserable.

My mood had started to lift by the time the World Cup started, but thanks to the timing of the games over here - generally 9am, 12pm and 3pm - my whole day was pretty much taken up with watching games and quickly walking Savannah and doing any necessary chores at half-time or in between games! This all helped to raise my spirits as I am a huge fan of the World Cup and I think I only missed maybe 4 or 5 games, but was definitely not great for my productivity!!

A further boost to my mood came in the form of my dear friend Cara, who came to stay with me for a couple of weeks - hurrah! Thanks to a little bit of illness on both sides we spent a few days confined to the sofa, but even though we didn't get out to do (or drink!) as much as we had originally planned we had a wonderful time just hanging out and catching up. 

Over the last 5 weeks I have managed to break the hibernation spell and I've been making it out of the house more and actively seeking fun. I have met some wonderful new people recently and it has been refreshing to be around a few people who did not know me while I was at my lowest point or share in my grief, although I will forever be grateful for the bond I share with those who were.

In the midst of all this I passed another milestone as the 4th of July marked 6 months since Peter's death, and while the day was tinged with a little sadness it was also filled with much joy as I was hosting the patriotic celebrations this year and was blessed to be able to fill my home with so many friends who I love and adore, as well as being able to keep busy and not have time to dwell.

And so here I am today, my soul somewhat rejuvenated by Cara's visit and the fun times I have found over the last few weeks. I feel positive, and dare I say productive, again. Achieving my goals for the year will be a lot harder since I lost so much time hiding under my blanket, but I feel up for the challenge and I know now that if I am to have any chance at all then I have not even a minute to waste!!

So on that note, I had better go get on with it!! Day 1's agenda is dealing with all the paperwork that has accumulated on my desk for the last few weeks (some of it is probably even important - whoops!) and making myself a beautiful long To Do list packed full of all the things I can look forward to checking off! 

I hope to be able to update you all soon with lots more happy positive news!! 

 

And So It Begins ...

Yesterday I finally sat down to start on my novel, and it was an equal parts positive and frustrating experience!

My big plan was to start mapping out my characters. One of the advice books I have recommends conducting an in depth interview with your characters before you start so you can really get to know them, covering everything from date of birth, hair color, religious beliefs, favorite foods, hobbies ..... you get the idea. 

I started with my main character and got as far as her name, age and a brief physical description. And then I got stuck! I realised that I don't know enough about my shiny new world yet to answer any more questions. How can I know her religious beliefs when I don't know what religion exists yet, if indeed it exists at all? How can I know what her favorite foods are when I don't know what the local cuisine is? How can I list her hobbies when I don't know what culture or arts or sports are available?

So I started a new list titled Things I Don't Know and spent about an hour writing down everything that I could think of that I need to expand on before I can start on my characters. It was a very long and utterly depressing list!!

Everything from landscape, climate, currency, calendar, language, trade and employment, medical capabilities ....... the list goes on and on! And on! It was a little overwhelming and disheartening to see just how much I have to do before I can even start on my story. Not that I thought that this would be easy, but I had hoped that I would be able to get around to my plot a little sooner!

But it was also kind of exciting as the possibilities are only limited by my imagination, and I have the opportunity to create any kind of world that I want!

Things got a little better when I decided to pick one thing from the list to work on. I started with magic - who has it, how did they get it, what can it do etc. Unfortunately this started a whole new list of questions and poked some holes in a couple of ideas I had quite liked before, but eventually I started to see some things take shape and came up with new ideas that I liked even better. It was hard when I had to tear myself away to go meet my friends!

I have still only scratched the surface of one tiny fraction of what I need to accomplish over the next few weeks, but damn, it felt good to make a start, and I am looking forward to sitting down with my notebooks again this afternoon!!

Hopefully I will have more progress reports for you very very soon! :-)

Im back!!

So here I am again, my friends, trying to move forward in the wake of another loss. It has been a tough 5 weeks since my dad passed away and I don't quite know how to answer the "How are you?" questions this time round.

For the week between his death and my flight home I just felt numb, like it hadn't sunk in and wouldn't seem real until I got to my parents' house and he wasn't sitting in his regular spot on the sofa. As soon as I arrived though, it was like floodgates opened and I was overwhelmed by his absence. 

It was a long, hard, horrible week from my arrival until his funeral, and while there was a lot of laughter as we remembered the amazing man he was, I found it nearly impossible to keep myself together. I regret that I wasn't able to be more supportive to my mum who was powering through like an absolute rock star, but I just couldn't see beyond my own grief.

That week I missed Peter more than ever. No-one could have comforted me like he could, and the weight of both losses was too much to bear.

The funeral went well and I think my dad would have been pleased. It was a beautiful sunny day, and it was an impressive sight watching Dad arrive in the sidecar of the Suzuki Hayabusa hearse he had chosen. It was even more impressive when the driver managed to get them up to 120mph on the coast road on the way to the crematorium, and we were all howling with laughter at how much my dad would have loved that!! Not very dignified for the chief mourners but Dad would have approved! 

The service itself was also a little unconventional, but it was exactly as he had planned it. He had written his own eulogy which was very funny, and once again there was probably a little more laughter than was entirely appropriate for a funeral! My mum had prepared some words too and paid a wonderful tribute to him. The last time I saw Dad he had mentioned that he would like me to read a poem if I felt up to it but I am ashamed to say that there was absolutely no way I could have held it together. I'm sorry Daddy.

After the final song of the service - Meatloaf's Bat Out Of Hell, of course! - we all retired to a local hotel with a beautiful view of the coast for drinks and soup, with a jazz band playing in the background. Finally I felt I could relax and talk comfortably with his friends and family about how awesome he was without dissolving into tears every 5 minutes!

I have to pay thanks here to my amazing cousin Laura, who is a celebrant and oversaw the funeral and read his eulogy. My dad and Laura were very close and I know hard it was for her to stand up there and lead such a beautiful service when she wanted to be sat with us grieving. Yet another rock star in the family! Thanks cuz!!

I had another 5 days or so to hang around with the family before I flew home and it passed fairly peacefully, and we were all more relaxed now that the funeral was behind us.

Ive been back in California for a couple of weeks now and mostly hibernating as I try and get my head around the new normal. I expected there would be more tears but in truth, I haven't cried since I said goodbye to his coffin at the crematorium. I'm not sure if that's normal or healthy, and I half expect it to hit me at some point in the future. Mostly I just feel numb and empty when I think about both my dad and Peter now, like a major source of happiness has not just been drained but completely removed. I'm hoping that will pass with time as it is a shitty way to feel.

And now to look to the future! I feel clearer headed today than I have since I got back and I am keen to start forging my new life rather than sitting home feeling glum all day. I need to start making more plans with my friends and getting out and about and being sociable. This girl needs some serious fun!!!

I'm also going to take a few months, while I still can, to work on my writing - both my novel and my blogs - and hopefully by the end of the summer I will have a plan on how I can cobble together an income from my love of writing and cooking. 

I will, as always, keep you all posted ...! :-)

Another Farewell

Today the world lost another great man, and my beloved father lost his 7 year battle with cancer.

While we knew that his time was coming soon, we thought we still had a few more months with him. In fact, there were times that it felt like he would outlive us all! When he was first diagnosed with colon cancer he was told that he was very lucky to have caught it before it was terminal. He endured a rigorous regime of chemo and radiotherapy and, 5 years later we were delighted when he got the all clear.

Sadly a year later, in January of last year, the cancer was back and he was given two months to live. It is a true testament to my father's determination and, yes, I'll say it, stubbornness that he survived this long!

He never complained about his illness, and much to our frustration would frequently deny anything was wrong with him even when he was clearly in pain.

I wish I could write a fitting tribute to the man who was my rock, my foundation throughout my life. Obviously I am biased, but he was truly one of the greatest men to walk the earth. He was honest, kind, loving, modest, and always there for me even when I may not have deserved it. He was always behind me 100%, pushing me to try harder whenever I doubted myself. He always told me he was proud of me, even when I wasn't entirely sure why.

He was an amazing storyteller, and had a rich catalogue of tales from his decades as a journalist. I wish I had written these stories down as they would have made a book worth reading! He also had an endless supply of the most appalling jokes, and they were still funny even when heard for the 100th time!

I had hoped to make another trip back to Scotland before he passed, and I had promised my mother that I would be there to help them both at the end, but sadly that was not to be. I do regret this and I am heartbroken that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but there is a selfish part of me that is a little relieved that my last memory of him is not of him dead or dying, but of waving me off on the train in March after my last visit. I have struggled a lot with my memories of my husband's final morning and it is only recently that I have been able to start to remember the Peter I knew and loved rather than the one that died in my arms.

I regret too that I am half way around the world when I should be looking after my mum, but I know she is in good hands with my sister and aunt and her friends, and I will be with her soon and we can grieve together.

I cannot believe that this year has been so cruel as to take the two men I love most in the world from me, and I don't know how this will affect me when the numbness and shock wears off. But I know that, as always, I have the love and support of the best mum ever, a wonderful sister, a legendary team of friends, and a small yappy dog who will get me through this.

Rest in peace, Daddy. I love you always xxx

Eureka!!

Today is a rare day. A day of happiness and accomplishment!! It didn't start out that way - a slight hangover after last night's Kings of Leon concert (well worth it though - they were bloody brilliant!!) and the prospect of my first solo attempt at filing taxes did not encourage me to leap out of bed.

After last year's tax traumas - a less than competent tax advisor, hours at her office while Peter asked the same questions 20 different ways, and a $10K tax bill - I was amazed to find myself back on the street after 40 minutes with only a couple of pieces of information to find, and the prospect of a little money back - hurrah!!

The main source of my unadulterated joy today, though, was the eureka moment when I came up with an idea for a novel. A really good idea, even if I do say so myself! I have wanted to write a fantasy novel for years but have never been able to come up with a theme or plot that hasn't either been done to death or just sounded lame.

But today it came to me, all shiny and glowing with potential! It started with a throwaway thought, and before I knew it I had a possible trilogy outlined in my head! I had to get out of the shower and find a notepad before I lost my train of thought - I barely had time to write each idea down before a new one came along, and I was literally shaking with excitement as I wrote!

It's still very early days and i know that it will take a lot of hard work to flesh it out and organise my thoughts into a coherent storyline, but this is it, folks! This is my story! This is my novel! I'm actually going to do this!!!

Watch this space for future updates ..... :-)