Im back!!

So here I am again, my friends, trying to move forward in the wake of another loss. It has been a tough 5 weeks since my dad passed away and I don't quite know how to answer the "How are you?" questions this time round.

For the week between his death and my flight home I just felt numb, like it hadn't sunk in and wouldn't seem real until I got to my parents' house and he wasn't sitting in his regular spot on the sofa. As soon as I arrived though, it was like floodgates opened and I was overwhelmed by his absence. 

It was a long, hard, horrible week from my arrival until his funeral, and while there was a lot of laughter as we remembered the amazing man he was, I found it nearly impossible to keep myself together. I regret that I wasn't able to be more supportive to my mum who was powering through like an absolute rock star, but I just couldn't see beyond my own grief.

That week I missed Peter more than ever. No-one could have comforted me like he could, and the weight of both losses was too much to bear.

The funeral went well and I think my dad would have been pleased. It was a beautiful sunny day, and it was an impressive sight watching Dad arrive in the sidecar of the Suzuki Hayabusa hearse he had chosen. It was even more impressive when the driver managed to get them up to 120mph on the coast road on the way to the crematorium, and we were all howling with laughter at how much my dad would have loved that!! Not very dignified for the chief mourners but Dad would have approved! 

The service itself was also a little unconventional, but it was exactly as he had planned it. He had written his own eulogy which was very funny, and once again there was probably a little more laughter than was entirely appropriate for a funeral! My mum had prepared some words too and paid a wonderful tribute to him. The last time I saw Dad he had mentioned that he would like me to read a poem if I felt up to it but I am ashamed to say that there was absolutely no way I could have held it together. I'm sorry Daddy.

After the final song of the service - Meatloaf's Bat Out Of Hell, of course! - we all retired to a local hotel with a beautiful view of the coast for drinks and soup, with a jazz band playing in the background. Finally I felt I could relax and talk comfortably with his friends and family about how awesome he was without dissolving into tears every 5 minutes!

I have to pay thanks here to my amazing cousin Laura, who is a celebrant and oversaw the funeral and read his eulogy. My dad and Laura were very close and I know hard it was for her to stand up there and lead such a beautiful service when she wanted to be sat with us grieving. Yet another rock star in the family! Thanks cuz!!

I had another 5 days or so to hang around with the family before I flew home and it passed fairly peacefully, and we were all more relaxed now that the funeral was behind us.

Ive been back in California for a couple of weeks now and mostly hibernating as I try and get my head around the new normal. I expected there would be more tears but in truth, I haven't cried since I said goodbye to his coffin at the crematorium. I'm not sure if that's normal or healthy, and I half expect it to hit me at some point in the future. Mostly I just feel numb and empty when I think about both my dad and Peter now, like a major source of happiness has not just been drained but completely removed. I'm hoping that will pass with time as it is a shitty way to feel.

And now to look to the future! I feel clearer headed today than I have since I got back and I am keen to start forging my new life rather than sitting home feeling glum all day. I need to start making more plans with my friends and getting out and about and being sociable. This girl needs some serious fun!!!

I'm also going to take a few months, while I still can, to work on my writing - both my novel and my blogs - and hopefully by the end of the summer I will have a plan on how I can cobble together an income from my love of writing and cooking. 

I will, as always, keep you all posted ...! :-)