And So It Begins ...

Yesterday I finally sat down to start on my novel, and it was an equal parts positive and frustrating experience!

My big plan was to start mapping out my characters. One of the advice books I have recommends conducting an in depth interview with your characters before you start so you can really get to know them, covering everything from date of birth, hair color, religious beliefs, favorite foods, hobbies ..... you get the idea. 

I started with my main character and got as far as her name, age and a brief physical description. And then I got stuck! I realised that I don't know enough about my shiny new world yet to answer any more questions. How can I know her religious beliefs when I don't know what religion exists yet, if indeed it exists at all? How can I know what her favorite foods are when I don't know what the local cuisine is? How can I list her hobbies when I don't know what culture or arts or sports are available?

So I started a new list titled Things I Don't Know and spent about an hour writing down everything that I could think of that I need to expand on before I can start on my characters. It was a very long and utterly depressing list!!

Everything from landscape, climate, currency, calendar, language, trade and employment, medical capabilities ....... the list goes on and on! And on! It was a little overwhelming and disheartening to see just how much I have to do before I can even start on my story. Not that I thought that this would be easy, but I had hoped that I would be able to get around to my plot a little sooner!

But it was also kind of exciting as the possibilities are only limited by my imagination, and I have the opportunity to create any kind of world that I want!

Things got a little better when I decided to pick one thing from the list to work on. I started with magic - who has it, how did they get it, what can it do etc. Unfortunately this started a whole new list of questions and poked some holes in a couple of ideas I had quite liked before, but eventually I started to see some things take shape and came up with new ideas that I liked even better. It was hard when I had to tear myself away to go meet my friends!

I have still only scratched the surface of one tiny fraction of what I need to accomplish over the next few weeks, but damn, it felt good to make a start, and I am looking forward to sitting down with my notebooks again this afternoon!!

Hopefully I will have more progress reports for you very very soon! :-)

Im back!!

So here I am again, my friends, trying to move forward in the wake of another loss. It has been a tough 5 weeks since my dad passed away and I don't quite know how to answer the "How are you?" questions this time round.

For the week between his death and my flight home I just felt numb, like it hadn't sunk in and wouldn't seem real until I got to my parents' house and he wasn't sitting in his regular spot on the sofa. As soon as I arrived though, it was like floodgates opened and I was overwhelmed by his absence. 

It was a long, hard, horrible week from my arrival until his funeral, and while there was a lot of laughter as we remembered the amazing man he was, I found it nearly impossible to keep myself together. I regret that I wasn't able to be more supportive to my mum who was powering through like an absolute rock star, but I just couldn't see beyond my own grief.

That week I missed Peter more than ever. No-one could have comforted me like he could, and the weight of both losses was too much to bear.

The funeral went well and I think my dad would have been pleased. It was a beautiful sunny day, and it was an impressive sight watching Dad arrive in the sidecar of the Suzuki Hayabusa hearse he had chosen. It was even more impressive when the driver managed to get them up to 120mph on the coast road on the way to the crematorium, and we were all howling with laughter at how much my dad would have loved that!! Not very dignified for the chief mourners but Dad would have approved! 

The service itself was also a little unconventional, but it was exactly as he had planned it. He had written his own eulogy which was very funny, and once again there was probably a little more laughter than was entirely appropriate for a funeral! My mum had prepared some words too and paid a wonderful tribute to him. The last time I saw Dad he had mentioned that he would like me to read a poem if I felt up to it but I am ashamed to say that there was absolutely no way I could have held it together. I'm sorry Daddy.

After the final song of the service - Meatloaf's Bat Out Of Hell, of course! - we all retired to a local hotel with a beautiful view of the coast for drinks and soup, with a jazz band playing in the background. Finally I felt I could relax and talk comfortably with his friends and family about how awesome he was without dissolving into tears every 5 minutes!

I have to pay thanks here to my amazing cousin Laura, who is a celebrant and oversaw the funeral and read his eulogy. My dad and Laura were very close and I know hard it was for her to stand up there and lead such a beautiful service when she wanted to be sat with us grieving. Yet another rock star in the family! Thanks cuz!!

I had another 5 days or so to hang around with the family before I flew home and it passed fairly peacefully, and we were all more relaxed now that the funeral was behind us.

Ive been back in California for a couple of weeks now and mostly hibernating as I try and get my head around the new normal. I expected there would be more tears but in truth, I haven't cried since I said goodbye to his coffin at the crematorium. I'm not sure if that's normal or healthy, and I half expect it to hit me at some point in the future. Mostly I just feel numb and empty when I think about both my dad and Peter now, like a major source of happiness has not just been drained but completely removed. I'm hoping that will pass with time as it is a shitty way to feel.

And now to look to the future! I feel clearer headed today than I have since I got back and I am keen to start forging my new life rather than sitting home feeling glum all day. I need to start making more plans with my friends and getting out and about and being sociable. This girl needs some serious fun!!!

I'm also going to take a few months, while I still can, to work on my writing - both my novel and my blogs - and hopefully by the end of the summer I will have a plan on how I can cobble together an income from my love of writing and cooking. 

I will, as always, keep you all posted ...! :-)

Another Farewell

Today the world lost another great man, and my beloved father lost his 7 year battle with cancer.

While we knew that his time was coming soon, we thought we still had a few more months with him. In fact, there were times that it felt like he would outlive us all! When he was first diagnosed with colon cancer he was told that he was very lucky to have caught it before it was terminal. He endured a rigorous regime of chemo and radiotherapy and, 5 years later we were delighted when he got the all clear.

Sadly a year later, in January of last year, the cancer was back and he was given two months to live. It is a true testament to my father's determination and, yes, I'll say it, stubbornness that he survived this long!

He never complained about his illness, and much to our frustration would frequently deny anything was wrong with him even when he was clearly in pain.

I wish I could write a fitting tribute to the man who was my rock, my foundation throughout my life. Obviously I am biased, but he was truly one of the greatest men to walk the earth. He was honest, kind, loving, modest, and always there for me even when I may not have deserved it. He was always behind me 100%, pushing me to try harder whenever I doubted myself. He always told me he was proud of me, even when I wasn't entirely sure why.

He was an amazing storyteller, and had a rich catalogue of tales from his decades as a journalist. I wish I had written these stories down as they would have made a book worth reading! He also had an endless supply of the most appalling jokes, and they were still funny even when heard for the 100th time!

I had hoped to make another trip back to Scotland before he passed, and I had promised my mother that I would be there to help them both at the end, but sadly that was not to be. I do regret this and I am heartbroken that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but there is a selfish part of me that is a little relieved that my last memory of him is not of him dead or dying, but of waving me off on the train in March after my last visit. I have struggled a lot with my memories of my husband's final morning and it is only recently that I have been able to start to remember the Peter I knew and loved rather than the one that died in my arms.

I regret too that I am half way around the world when I should be looking after my mum, but I know she is in good hands with my sister and aunt and her friends, and I will be with her soon and we can grieve together.

I cannot believe that this year has been so cruel as to take the two men I love most in the world from me, and I don't know how this will affect me when the numbness and shock wears off. But I know that, as always, I have the love and support of the best mum ever, a wonderful sister, a legendary team of friends, and a small yappy dog who will get me through this.

Rest in peace, Daddy. I love you always xxx

Eureka!!

Today is a rare day. A day of happiness and accomplishment!! It didn't start out that way - a slight hangover after last night's Kings of Leon concert (well worth it though - they were bloody brilliant!!) and the prospect of my first solo attempt at filing taxes did not encourage me to leap out of bed.

After last year's tax traumas - a less than competent tax advisor, hours at her office while Peter asked the same questions 20 different ways, and a $10K tax bill - I was amazed to find myself back on the street after 40 minutes with only a couple of pieces of information to find, and the prospect of a little money back - hurrah!!

The main source of my unadulterated joy today, though, was the eureka moment when I came up with an idea for a novel. A really good idea, even if I do say so myself! I have wanted to write a fantasy novel for years but have never been able to come up with a theme or plot that hasn't either been done to death or just sounded lame.

But today it came to me, all shiny and glowing with potential! It started with a throwaway thought, and before I knew it I had a possible trilogy outlined in my head! I had to get out of the shower and find a notepad before I lost my train of thought - I barely had time to write each idea down before a new one came along, and I was literally shaking with excitement as I wrote!

It's still very early days and i know that it will take a lot of hard work to flesh it out and organise my thoughts into a coherent storyline, but this is it, folks! This is my story! This is my novel! I'm actually going to do this!!!

Watch this space for future updates ..... :-)

Say Hello To My Little Friend!

And now for a long overdue happy post!! Please allow me to introduce little Savannah, the latest addition to Clan Kavanagh!

About 10 days ago I got a cryptic call from my friend Rachel to say she had found a stray dog in our street playing with the traffic and could I come help as she didn't know what to do with her. Intrigued, I postponed my busy afternoon of back to back episodes of Boardwalk Empire and went to investigate. 

What I found was very sweet confused chihuahua with a ratty collar, no tags and claws that would have made Wolverine jealous! Not knowing what to do, we fashioned a makeshift leash and took her for a walk round the neighborhood to see if anyone recognized her or if she would recognize her home, but had no success. 

We thought for sure that when the after-work crowd hit the park at the end of the street to walk their dogs someone would recognize her as it is a very dog friendly area and everyone knows everyone, but no-one could help.

I offered to keep her overnight rather than taking her to a dog home, and we put up posters around the park and the neighborhood to see if anyone was looking for her. I certainly wasn't planning on keeping her at that stage, but as one night turned into five nights we started to bond and I began to think that maybe a puppy was just the distraction I need right now!

We kept the posters up over the weekend but got no response, and on the Monday I took her to the vet to see if she had a micro chip, which I was very happy to find that she did not! 

Despite the signs of neglect, she is really well behaved and has obviously had some training as we have had no toilet accidents in the house and she is (mostly) very calm and has quickly made herself at home. If I were to pick a dog for myself I probably wouldn't have chosen a chihuahua, but she has all the personality traits I would look for so we are a perfect match!

Having Savannah has been really good for me as she has put some structure back in my day and given me a purpose again. I am getting up at a reasonable hour instead of lying in bed til lunchtime, going to bed at a reasonable hour rather than staying up til 2 or 3am watching tv, getting out of the house 4 times a day where before days could go by before I saw outside, and she is wonderful company, whether we are just curled up on the sofa or chasing balls around the kitchen. She is without a doubt the best thing to happen to me this year!

Lousy timing though as I am off to Scotland tomorrow for three weeks! Luckily Rachel is a dog lover too and will be taking care of Savannah for most of my trip - thanks Rachel!! I am a little worried though, as by the time I get back she will have lived with Rachel for longer than she has lived with me and she might decide she prefers to stay!! I have told Rachel that I will be expecting regular Skype dates with my puppy while I am away, and I plan to leave a photo of me beside her bed so she doesn't forget about me!!!

Well, on that note I should probably go start on my packing as I am notorious for running around at the last minute throwing forgotten things into my suitcase, but I think we all know how I will really be spending my day ...... WOOF!!

(Re-posted from Adventures of a Puuurplemonster - 23rd February 2014)

Milestones

It's been a funny old month since I wrote last. There have been a lot of fun times peppered with some very quiet days with nothing to do and lots of time to dwell on my loss, and on these days it has been very hard to motivate myself to do anything positive or productive. I have also experienced the first of my Post-Peter milestones which were a bit strange but thankfully not as traumatic as they could have been. 

First up was my birthday at the beginning of the month. My wonderful friends made a huge effort to help me celebrate with a week full of activities, and while I definitely had a lot of fun it didn't really feel like a birthday without him. The best gift I received this year was a visit from my dear dear friends from Scotland, Lynsey & Kieran, and they provided a perfect distraction! It was so wonderful to have a chance to catch up with them properly, and we packed their week with lots of drinking and pizza and laughing, and sadly for Kieran a wee bout of food poisoning :-(

Next up was Valentine's Day. Now, Peter and I never really celebrated Valentine's Day - going out for dinner always seemed such a con as the restaurants were always over-booked serving over-priced restricted menus, so we would usually stay in and spend the money on a couple of nice steaks or a takeaway and a really good bottle of wine. Once again, though, I was fortunate enough to have a perfect distraction in the shape of the lovely Chika & Casey who came round to entertain me with some deeeelicious wine, and a small adorable stray chihuahua that Rachel had found playing with the traffic outside our complex and I had agreed to look after while we tried to find her owner (more on her later).

I won't lie, I did get a bit tipsy and weepy later on that night, but my new canine buddy did a grand job of cheering me up - it was quite hard to stay sad with that adorable face staring up at me!!

The third milestone was a less formal one and really caught me by surprise - my first concert without him. Last Thursday I went to see Imagine Dragons, and while they were bloody brilliant, it was hard to fully get into the night. My mind kept straying to how much he would have enjoyed it, how much I would like to have told him all about it when I got home, and then all the brilliant times that we had had at concerts together over the years. 

Randomly, the concert was the milestone that upset me the most, but I guess I'm going to have to get used to that as our life together was full of happy memories and fun times that we had together and unless I plan on becoming a hermit (nae chance!) I will come across more and more of these as the year goes on. Hopefully they will get easier, and perhaps I can at least be a little more prepared in future!

That's pretty much all I have to say for now. I think the puppy deserves a post all to herself so I will tell you all about her in a day or two - we're off to the vet tomorrow to get her checked out and make sure she is healthy so hopefully I will have happy news there! I will also post full details and directions for Peter's Scottish memorial, which is happening on Saturday March 1st, as soon as I have them confirmed. 

Right, I'm off to make some lunch. Catch y'all later!! x

(Re-posted from Adventures of a Puuurplemonster - 20th February 2014)

How am I doing ....?

A question I get asked several times a day is "how are you doing?", usually followed by "Oh that must be a stupid question!" But it's not a stupid question, it is a caring one, and I am grateful that I have so many friends who care.

It is a complex one though, and the answer can change on an hourly basis depending on my current  mood and activity. My responses, however, rarely vary from "Oh, I'm doing OK" or "Y'know, good days and bad" as it isn't always easy to elaborate (and sometimes I simply cant be arsed!)

So I thought I might try a little blog therapy and see if I can clarify, as much for myself as for my concerned friends. OK, here goes ......

I know I haven't fully come to terms with the loss, although I am painfully aware that my baby isn't coming back. There's a dullness, an emptiness that is always with me. I haven't just lost my husband. Ive lost my best friend, the man I have spent pretty much my entire adult life with. 

He was the man I shared everything with - the good and the bad. I feel frustrated when there are things that I want to tell him then remember that he isn't here. I still talk to him though - I wear his wedding ring and somehow that feels like he is still with me.

I feel the emptiness most when I have an evening to myself - not that I have had many of those since he passed! The days don't feel too bad as there is usually something to occupy myself. I'm trying to get back to the gym (although Ive only made it once!) and I've been trying to get back into my cooking (although I don't find myself home alone at dinner time very often) There is a lot of paperwork and companies that need to be notified of his death, but I try and spread those calls out as it is rather depressing having to explain over and over why I am calling. And of course, there is the everyday housework and laundry that doesn't stop just because I am grieving.

But the evenings can be very lonely. The novelty of being able to watch all my shite TV without being called a sadcase wears off quite quickly when I remember that he isn't out with friends or away on business. I always used to treasure a few days by myself to sit in my PJs all day and watch back to back episodes of Battlestar Galactica or Fringe or whatever else I couldn't get away with when he was around, but the pleasure was in knowing that he would be home soon and calling me a sadcase once more!

Ive lost the man that made me want to be a better person. Ive lost the man that gave me direction and gave me a reason to get up every morning. Ive never had much personal ambition, but Peter had more than enough for both of us and it was my pleasure and my privilege to stand by him and help him achieve his dreams.

I find myself quite lost as I try and decide what to do now. His final gift to me is the financial security and opportunity to choose my own future and do something for myself, although I have no idea what. The winner at the moment is something involving writing, but what kind (fiction, some kind of journalism, publishing, PR) I don't know, or even if this is a realistic option.

What I do know is that I want to stay here in sunny California as this is where we have both been happiest, and to leave would be to lose yet another part of him. But to stay here I will have to find a career that will allow me to maintain my current lifestyle and still be able to afford some of the little luxuries that make life over here so wonderful. If I cant do that then I would be better moving somewhere where the cost of living is lower and spending my vacations here - but we'll call that plan B for now!

Surprisingly though, even in these dark days there is a joy that I didn't think I would find. I spent the weekend with a few of our closest friends who are grieving almost as much as I. We shared so many stories and laughed so much that I realised that with the wealth of wonderful memories I have, I am the richest woman in the world! How lucky am I that he chose to spend his life with me?!?! I know that If I had the chance to go back to the night we met, in full knowledge that we would only have 15 years together, then I would do it all again in a heartbeat as 15 years with Peter is worth more than 50 with any other man, and I am glad that I was able to tell him that before he died.

At the weekend while laughing with our friends I also realised that, while there will always be a Peter shaped hole in the room and in my heart, there is a future for me where I can be happy. In truth, there has been a lot more laughter than tears over the last few weeks. A popular game has been "What would Peter say?" and that is always guaranteed to raise a smile!

There is also an undeniable comfort in knowing that my baby is at peace now. I knew for some time that I wasn't going to be allowed to keep him, and it was devastating to watch my powerhouse of a husband fade away and suffer as he did. Although I would sell my soul to have him back, and would have gladly nursed him for another 50 years if I'd been given the opportunity, I am happy that his release came sooner rather than later.

Well, that is probably enough for now. My apologies if this has been a bit long winded, but as I said at the start, this is as much for me as it is for you so deal with it! 

And know that if I tell you I'm doing OK, for now, I really am!

(Re-posted from Adventures of a Puuurplemonster - 22nd January 2014)