Happy New Year!!

Hello again, my friends! Apologies for my recent radio silence. I won't lie, it has been a tough couple of months with so many milestones in such a short space of time. Peter's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year and anticipation of the anniversary of his passing and the unknown year ahead all hit me hard. 

I found myself unable to make any progress on any of my projects. I couldn't concentrate on my Teach English as a Second Language course. I had little motivation to cook and contribute to The Puuurple Kitchen. My novel? What novel?! I couldn't even face sharing here, a place that has brought me so much comfort and clarity over the last year.

I shan't dwell on the low points of last year as I have put them behind me and quite frankly I do not wish to revisit them! The 4th of January came around with much apprehension and utter disbelief that a whole year could have passed already. We had a small gathering with some of our closest friends on Mount Hamilton, where his ashes are scattered, and spent a wonderful hour or two sitting and sharing our memories. It was a gorgeous sunny day and I find it very comforting to know that he rests in such a peaceful, beautiful place.

I was prepared for that Sunday to be a deeply painful day and was very surprised to find the opposite. Yes, I was sad, and had gotten very upset on the Saturday night while looking through our wedding photos and watching Love, Actually - one of our favorite movies. But standing on Mount Hamilton I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. The images of his last few months and the morning of his death that had been haunting me again melted away and were replaced by his smiling face, his laughter, and his mischievous antics! I was able to remember the amazing man I fell in love with and was so happy to have those memories back!

This weekend we had a larger memorial back at Savannah Chanelle, the winery where we held his service last year. It was another ridiculously sunny day and it was wonderful to see everyone who turned up to celebrate his life. I was particularly touched when his boss presented me with a plaque commemorating Peter's first patent, which was awarded in the summer. I must confess that the only part of the patent I understood was his name, but I was so proud and delighted to receive it.

The memorial on Saturday marked the last of my milestones, and the end of my worst year imaginable. I know we are on the 12th already, but for me today is the first day of my new year, and I feel positive in a way I would not have believed just a couple of weeks ago! 

I have a lot to achieve this year and know that I am the only person who can stand in the way of my dreams. I still have a lot to work out but I am ready to move forward and start tackling my future in bite sized chunks.

I normally talk about resolutions in my first post of the year and had been pondering which to make for this year, but one of my friends on Saturday said that he doesn't believe in resolutions and made himself goals instead. I like that idea, so here are my goals for January:

1) Embrace the morning again! As my mood took a turn for the worse last year, so did my ability to get up at a reasonable hour. I have too much to do this month so I plan to be up by 8am every morning. Well, during the week, anyway! 

2) Cook more often and more healthy food. One of a number of health changes I hope to make over the course of the year, and probably the easiest one to start with. Not only will this (hopefully!) help me shift some of the pesky pounds I put on in the latter half of last year, but will also give me fodder for my foodie blog - win win!!

3) Finish my course. The sooner I finish it, the sooner I can use it and hopefully start earning some money! 

4) Finish my paperwork. I still have a few nagging things to finalise from Peter's estate, things that I had planned to have finished by the end of the year but both couldn't face and added to my depression. I am very keen to no longer have those hanging over my head!

5) Work on my resume. I'll need one of those if I'm going to find myself a job!!

That's probably enough to be getting on with. I look forward to letting you know how I get on, as well as what my next set of goals will be!

This will be my last post in The Widow Chronicles. The aim of this blog was to help me survive this first year, and it has served its purpose well! 

But fear not -  I will be putting together a shiny new blog over the next couple of weeks where I hope to share all my positive progress, as well as get back to the spirit of Adventures of a Puuurplemonster Abroad, my original blog which was all about fun and general nonsense. Still working on a new title and currently hovering around The Puuurplemonster Chronicles, The Puuurple Chronicles, or more simply The New Adventures of The Puuurplemonster. Whaddya think? I am open to all comments and suggestions!

It is only right that I end with some acknowledgements: 

Thank you to my amazing army of friends in California who were there for both Peter and I throughout his illness and have been around for me over the last year. 

To my stepmother and dear departed father who tragically understood what I was going through in a way that no-one else could. 

To my family and friends back home who were always there with words of encouragement when I needed them. 

To Doug, a surprise find in such a dark year, for being there when I need you, for buggering off when I need space, and for helping me to laugh again. 

To little Savannah, my other surprise find of the year, for being cute and furry and providing an unlimited supply of love and, unfortunately, kisses too!

And finally, to everyone here who has indulged me and read my ramblings! This blog has been an important part of my year and my therapy and I appreciate all your comments and words of support along the way.

Right, time to sign off now. Hope to see you all on the new blog! xxx

Fun Times!!

No, really!! Actual fun times!! 

For a while I have wanted to get back to writing the kind of posts I used to write for Adventures of a Puuurplemonster Abroad, back when it was my place to share all the cool things I was up to in my new life in America. Obviously for a while there the fun times were a bit scarce and I had other things to write about, but I think it's about time I started sharing the good shit with you again too!

It's not that there haven't been plenty of fun times recently. There was the awesome Halloween party that Jared and Erin threw a couple of weeks ago, and my kick-ass ninja costume. There was the Formula 1 brunch party I hosted last weekend for the Austin grand prix. There was the gourmet corn dog party Doug had for his birthday. There was the day we all spent at Testarossa Winery for Rachel, Heather & Jessie's birthdays. 

All of these events would have made good fun posts if I had remembered one thing - to take some bloody photos!! There was a time when I wouldn't leave the house without my trusty little camera just in case there was something cool to document but I am rather out of practice! 

So I make this promise, here and now, to always keep my camera close at hand, with battery fully charged, and to start injecting a little fun back into my blog!!

Today I would love to tell you about the awesome night Doug and I had out in San Francisco on Saturday. First up, we discovered an awesome little restaurant called Gilberth's. We had done a little research on the train up to the city and were positively salivating as we read through their menu! I wish I had taken some photos while we were there, but I always feel a bit silly getting my camera out in restaurants and taking pictures of my dinner!

The food - wild boar empanadas followed by a kind of Cuban pork tortilla thingamy for me, Brussels sprouts fried with chili, lime and manchego cheese then a lamb and chorizo burger for Doug - was every bit as delicious as we hoped it would be, and we have been raving about it to anyone who will listen ever since! If you ever find yourself in the Dogpatch area of San Francisco I wholeheartedly recommend that you give it a try, although you may want to call in advance as when we showed up just before 6pm the place was already booked out and we got the last free table!

We followed up dinner with one of the coolest and most unusual events I have ever been to - Hot Glass Cold Beer at Public Glass, a glass studio and school.

For $25 you get to pick and keep a beautiful and unique hand blown glass, which you then get to fill with as much wine or beer as you want for the duration of the event!





And it was very tasty beer - the Atom Splitter Pale Ale from Pine Street Brewery - not the cheap crap that I would normally expect at something like this.

Anyhoo, glass in hand, you are then free to wander around the workshops and watch the demonstrations. In one room they had a couple of guys working with blowtorches doing some very intricate work. I wish my photos could do justice to the display we were watching - both the highly skilled work the men were doing and the rather funky dancing from the guy in the Grover hat (not Cookiemonster as I originally reported - thanks Anda!), although his moves did take him dangerously close to the flames at times!! 

It was hard to tell exactly what they were making at first as they were making small parts that were later joined together to become a fantastical multi-tentacled .... thing! The creature may not be something everyone would want to put on their mantelpiece (although I would happily), but only an idiot couldn't appreciate the level of skill required to make it.

In the main room there was a couple of guys working on what looked at first to be two simple glass orbs.

It was a long, long process of heating, shaping, blowing and repeating over and over, then adding some more glass and repeating over and over again, with more guys getting involved as the orbs became larger and harder to manipulate alone.


This went on for a good couple of hours and just when I thought the whole point was to make pretty glass orbs, suddenly everyone seemed to jump into action! 

It was hard to see exactly what was going on from our angle, and it was so busy that that was the best vantage point we could find, but the orbs were attached to an air compressor and rapidly inflated, then people began pulling on the rods attached to the glass to stretch it out and weights were attached to make a beautiful piece of art which was then scooped up by a man in a fire proof suit and taken off to be cooled. I wish I had had a chance to see the finished object close up before we left as the glimpse that I got was spectacular!

Apparently this is a regular event and definitely something I would love to do again. I'll be keeping an eye out for future dates and hopefully rounding up a wee posse to join us next time - if anyone fancies coming along please let me know and I will keep you posted on the plans.

Well, on that note I think it is time to wrap this up. I look forward to bringing you many more happy posts in the very near future!!

Laters ...... x

Frustrations!!

I am disappointed to report that progress with my novel has ground to a halt.

I began serious work on it at the end of July and made some awesome progress for the first couple of weeks. I had some good ideas on where I wanted the story to go and managed to sketch out a decent plan for my first few chapters, and piece by piece my new world was taking shape.

Then I hit a wall. When I reviewed my progress so far I realized that some of my brilliant new ideas contradicted my original story. Some of the ideas that I had made up to support the story now seemed forced and contrived. The more I looked at it the unhappier I was with the path my adventure was taking, and the harder it was to try and get it back on track.

The next two weeks were filled with discouragement and frustration, until I got to the point where I wanted to give up. The problem there, though, is that I am still really passionate about my original idea and I think there is a fantastic story there that is begging to be told! 

And so today I decided to take drastic action and go back to the drawing board. I will spend some quality time going through my notes and decide which of the best ideas and characters I want to keep (as some of them are bloody brilliant!) and then I will take a couple of weeks to mull over new ways to tell my story. Perhaps I will tell the story from the assassin's point of view rather than the princess? Perhaps my main girl won't even be a princess any more? Perhaps the adventure will take place in Glasgow instead of whatever made up world I could cobble together? Who knows?!?!?! 

As annoying as it is to be back at square one again, it is also quite liberating to have a clean sheet and a second chance to write the story that I know I can write. I think I have a better idea of how to go about the planning process this time round so hopefully I wont find myself backed in to another corner, and if I do I should have the courage to be brutal and cut out the crap that isn't working before I get too bogged down.

I am also realizing that my goal of finishing my book by the end of the year, which seemed reasonable when I set it in April, is now a bit unrealistic! I know now that I would much rather take an extra year to create something that I am proud of than churn out any old nonsense just so I can say that I finished it.

So that's where I am with my novel. While I am regrouping my thoughts I do not plan to be idle. I have a couple of ideas for short stories that I would like to work on and maybe send them into a magazine or a competition and see how they do. Even if I just write them for my own personal pleasure, I think it will be a valuable exercise in seeing a story through from start to finish which will benefit me both from a story crafting point of view and by boosting my motivation and giving me a sense of accomplishment.

Meanwhile, I have just started an online course to teach English as a foreign language. I have done a little research and with the volume of people moving to Silicon Valley from all over the world there seems to be a demand for English language tutors. I don't suppose that this is something I could make a full time living from, but I think it is something that I would enjoy, and anything that might help me avoid a full time office job is definitely worth exploring!!

Well, that's all I have to say for today. I had hoped to be able to give you a more positive progress report at this stage, but I am happy that I still have a plan and I am still moving forward, albeit a little slower than I would have liked. Fingers crossed I have a more encouraging update for you next time!!

Confession time ....

This is an odd post to write, and not one that I thought I would be writing for a long long time, but it's time to come clean and tell you about my new man. Yes, you read that right - I have a new man, and no-one is more surprised than me!

If you had told me a couple of months ago that I was about to meet someone I would either have laughed or been really offended that you thought I could move on so soon after losing my dear Peter. Yet here I am, and while I wouldn't exactly say I had moved on I am definitely taking the first steps.

It is a very strange situation to be in, being that Peter is still such an active presence in my life. I still think about him every day - both the happy and the sad memories - and so many of the stories that you exchange while getting to know a new person revolve around Peter. 

It has been hard at times reconciling the love I have, and will always have, for Peter with the start of something new, and at first I felt like a bit of a treacherous whore. But if I have learned anything this year it is that life is short and no-one knows what is waiting round the corner so if you stumble across a little happiness you should grasp it with both hands!

I was incredibly nervous about telling people and introducing him to my friends over here, all of whom loved Peter every bit as much as I do and were fiercely loyal to him. I am very pleased to report that every one of them has welcomed New Man, or Doug, as he is more commonly known, into the fold and seem genuinely pleased that I have found someone who is making me happy again.

The toughest people to tell were Peter's family, who I finally told today, and while it must have been a big shock to them they were hugely supportive and also seemed to be happy for me. I cannot thank them enough for the amazing way they received my news.

And so I start the second half of the shittiest year ever with an optimism that I could not have imagined. Not to sound melodramatic, but there were times this year where I felt like I would never truly be happy again. Now I find myself, while still grieving and dealing with the loss of my beloved husband and father, laughing and smiling again. God, it feels good to laugh again!

It takes a special kind of man (or maybe just a crazy one!) to take on a girl with this much baggage, but Doug has been fantastic about giving me the space I need to work through my shit and does not seem intimidated by the fact that Peter is still such a large part of my everyday life. Thank you Doug for ... well ... just generally being awesome!

OK, confession over now. Go back to enjoying your weekend, and I will be in touch again soon x

Digitum Extractum Rectum .....

..... which roughly translates as "time to get your finger out of your arse". Well, so my dad used to tell me, anyway!

Despite the positive nature of my last post 10 weeks ago, I had a little bit of a relapse into my hibernation and have barely done any work on my novel, or indeed anything of a productive nature at all. Aside from making it out a couple of times to catch up with friends, I found myself feeling rather disconnected and spent most of my time back under my blanket with Savannah watching endless re-runs of Law & Order and generally feeling rather miserable.

My mood had started to lift by the time the World Cup started, but thanks to the timing of the games over here - generally 9am, 12pm and 3pm - my whole day was pretty much taken up with watching games and quickly walking Savannah and doing any necessary chores at half-time or in between games! This all helped to raise my spirits as I am a huge fan of the World Cup and I think I only missed maybe 4 or 5 games, but was definitely not great for my productivity!!

A further boost to my mood came in the form of my dear friend Cara, who came to stay with me for a couple of weeks - hurrah! Thanks to a little bit of illness on both sides we spent a few days confined to the sofa, but even though we didn't get out to do (or drink!) as much as we had originally planned we had a wonderful time just hanging out and catching up. 

Over the last 5 weeks I have managed to break the hibernation spell and I've been making it out of the house more and actively seeking fun. I have met some wonderful new people recently and it has been refreshing to be around a few people who did not know me while I was at my lowest point or share in my grief, although I will forever be grateful for the bond I share with those who were.

In the midst of all this I passed another milestone as the 4th of July marked 6 months since Peter's death, and while the day was tinged with a little sadness it was also filled with much joy as I was hosting the patriotic celebrations this year and was blessed to be able to fill my home with so many friends who I love and adore, as well as being able to keep busy and not have time to dwell.

And so here I am today, my soul somewhat rejuvenated by Cara's visit and the fun times I have found over the last few weeks. I feel positive, and dare I say productive, again. Achieving my goals for the year will be a lot harder since I lost so much time hiding under my blanket, but I feel up for the challenge and I know now that if I am to have any chance at all then I have not even a minute to waste!!

So on that note, I had better go get on with it!! Day 1's agenda is dealing with all the paperwork that has accumulated on my desk for the last few weeks (some of it is probably even important - whoops!) and making myself a beautiful long To Do list packed full of all the things I can look forward to checking off! 

I hope to be able to update you all soon with lots more happy positive news!! 

 

And So It Begins ...

Yesterday I finally sat down to start on my novel, and it was an equal parts positive and frustrating experience!

My big plan was to start mapping out my characters. One of the advice books I have recommends conducting an in depth interview with your characters before you start so you can really get to know them, covering everything from date of birth, hair color, religious beliefs, favorite foods, hobbies ..... you get the idea. 

I started with my main character and got as far as her name, age and a brief physical description. And then I got stuck! I realised that I don't know enough about my shiny new world yet to answer any more questions. How can I know her religious beliefs when I don't know what religion exists yet, if indeed it exists at all? How can I know what her favorite foods are when I don't know what the local cuisine is? How can I list her hobbies when I don't know what culture or arts or sports are available?

So I started a new list titled Things I Don't Know and spent about an hour writing down everything that I could think of that I need to expand on before I can start on my characters. It was a very long and utterly depressing list!!

Everything from landscape, climate, currency, calendar, language, trade and employment, medical capabilities ....... the list goes on and on! And on! It was a little overwhelming and disheartening to see just how much I have to do before I can even start on my story. Not that I thought that this would be easy, but I had hoped that I would be able to get around to my plot a little sooner!

But it was also kind of exciting as the possibilities are only limited by my imagination, and I have the opportunity to create any kind of world that I want!

Things got a little better when I decided to pick one thing from the list to work on. I started with magic - who has it, how did they get it, what can it do etc. Unfortunately this started a whole new list of questions and poked some holes in a couple of ideas I had quite liked before, but eventually I started to see some things take shape and came up with new ideas that I liked even better. It was hard when I had to tear myself away to go meet my friends!

I have still only scratched the surface of one tiny fraction of what I need to accomplish over the next few weeks, but damn, it felt good to make a start, and I am looking forward to sitting down with my notebooks again this afternoon!!

Hopefully I will have more progress reports for you very very soon! :-)

Im back!!

So here I am again, my friends, trying to move forward in the wake of another loss. It has been a tough 5 weeks since my dad passed away and I don't quite know how to answer the "How are you?" questions this time round.

For the week between his death and my flight home I just felt numb, like it hadn't sunk in and wouldn't seem real until I got to my parents' house and he wasn't sitting in his regular spot on the sofa. As soon as I arrived though, it was like floodgates opened and I was overwhelmed by his absence. 

It was a long, hard, horrible week from my arrival until his funeral, and while there was a lot of laughter as we remembered the amazing man he was, I found it nearly impossible to keep myself together. I regret that I wasn't able to be more supportive to my mum who was powering through like an absolute rock star, but I just couldn't see beyond my own grief.

That week I missed Peter more than ever. No-one could have comforted me like he could, and the weight of both losses was too much to bear.

The funeral went well and I think my dad would have been pleased. It was a beautiful sunny day, and it was an impressive sight watching Dad arrive in the sidecar of the Suzuki Hayabusa hearse he had chosen. It was even more impressive when the driver managed to get them up to 120mph on the coast road on the way to the crematorium, and we were all howling with laughter at how much my dad would have loved that!! Not very dignified for the chief mourners but Dad would have approved! 

The service itself was also a little unconventional, but it was exactly as he had planned it. He had written his own eulogy which was very funny, and once again there was probably a little more laughter than was entirely appropriate for a funeral! My mum had prepared some words too and paid a wonderful tribute to him. The last time I saw Dad he had mentioned that he would like me to read a poem if I felt up to it but I am ashamed to say that there was absolutely no way I could have held it together. I'm sorry Daddy.

After the final song of the service - Meatloaf's Bat Out Of Hell, of course! - we all retired to a local hotel with a beautiful view of the coast for drinks and soup, with a jazz band playing in the background. Finally I felt I could relax and talk comfortably with his friends and family about how awesome he was without dissolving into tears every 5 minutes!

I have to pay thanks here to my amazing cousin Laura, who is a celebrant and oversaw the funeral and read his eulogy. My dad and Laura were very close and I know hard it was for her to stand up there and lead such a beautiful service when she wanted to be sat with us grieving. Yet another rock star in the family! Thanks cuz!!

I had another 5 days or so to hang around with the family before I flew home and it passed fairly peacefully, and we were all more relaxed now that the funeral was behind us.

Ive been back in California for a couple of weeks now and mostly hibernating as I try and get my head around the new normal. I expected there would be more tears but in truth, I haven't cried since I said goodbye to his coffin at the crematorium. I'm not sure if that's normal or healthy, and I half expect it to hit me at some point in the future. Mostly I just feel numb and empty when I think about both my dad and Peter now, like a major source of happiness has not just been drained but completely removed. I'm hoping that will pass with time as it is a shitty way to feel.

And now to look to the future! I feel clearer headed today than I have since I got back and I am keen to start forging my new life rather than sitting home feeling glum all day. I need to start making more plans with my friends and getting out and about and being sociable. This girl needs some serious fun!!!

I'm also going to take a few months, while I still can, to work on my writing - both my novel and my blogs - and hopefully by the end of the summer I will have a plan on how I can cobble together an income from my love of writing and cooking. 

I will, as always, keep you all posted ...! :-)